Something About Positivity

OKAY.
This post is actually overdue, because I made my due date yesterday (Don't write without a due date.) and didn't write it. This one's going to be a cute little hybrid of an update on my life and what the post is actually supposed to be about. SO. Let's start with the insanely long update.
Since writing my last post, I have spent one more week at home and then moved to Cedar City. School starts in a little over a month. Cedar City is BEAUTIFUL. Everyone here loves Shakespeare and it's the theatre capital of the world. A highlight is the Shakespeare Character Garden. (At least for me; it's probably just cool for everyone else.) I recently got a job at Firehouse Subs. I've been reading more than I have in a long time. I'm taking the Parables of Jesus class at the institute and I'm in a YSA (Young Single Adult) ward. The ward's great, but I do sometimes get concerned about the fact that it often takes me a number of months to a year to make friends... and I'm only living for a year. At a bunch of church activities there are treats after and everyone socializes, so I guess that's how everyone else makes friends.
Eating... and socializing? *groans in frustration*
I'm figuring out ways to try a little harder.
That's not to say I haven't met nice people, though. I really have, I like them a lot. I just have a hard time getting comfortable.
Alright, but here's the thing I gotta tell you about Utah culture. Utah culture is immensely different from Vegas culture, and that's relatively fine. There's only one problem, one weird thing about the culture here. The weird thing is RAIN.
I'm from a hot (like, really hot) desert where when it got unbearable at band camp I would say it's not hot until it's 120 to keep things light. Because, like, that was realistic. And when it rained, we would all run and scream and throw a party and play in it and it was so much fun. But here, it's not like that.
For starters and on an unrelated note, it gets cold at night in the summer.
But as far as rain goes, people from Utah sometimes brag about their minor drought and how when it rains they could definitely use it. Oh yeah, Utah? Then why the heck are the gutters in your streets deeper than the Pacific Ocean, and almost always flowing like a river even when it's sunny outside? Who even thought to make gutters that deep? Maybe they're always so full because instead of watering your grass (THERE IS SO MUCH GRASS AND SO MANY TREES, LIKE, WHERE IS THE DIRT) there are constantly sprinklers directed at the sidewalk. (Like literally I see sprinklers watering sidewalks more here than I have anywhere else.) Maybe you wouldn't be having this drought problem if you stopped watering the concrete and started watering the plants. Anyway, I digress. But one time I was at FHE (Family Home Evening) with my ward and it rained. We were outside playing and making ice cream and drawing with chalk under this shaded area, when it started to rain.
Do you know how everyone reacted?
THEY ALL RAN FOR COVER UNDER THE SHADED AREA.
It was so exciting that it rained! And I didn't panic and run because that's not what you do when it rains, unless it's due to excitement. I chilled there because I LOVE the rain. But everyone else RAN to stay dry. And I didn't move for a while, but I didn't want to be the only weird one, so eventually I moved too. Last night at like midnight it started raining and I was so happy (because I constantly check the weather now because rain is so much more common here) that I put on a jacket and ran out there and enjoyed it for a minute. No one else was out. I went back in after a minute because someone was walking down the street and I once again didn't want to look weird. But in Nevada, standing outside at midnight just for the sake of the beautiful rain would not have been weird.
Okay, so yeah, that's how everyone acts when it rains. But an even worse tragedy is the rain quality.
Don't get me wrong, it rains a lot better here; it rains really hard and the drops are huge. But I walked home from FHE that one day because I wanted to walk in the rain. On that walk I realized it's a lot different when it rains here. It, firstly, felt a lot hotter, and I realized it was because all the plants and how non-deserty Cedar City is made it way more humid. In the desert it's really cool when it rains because there's nothing but rocks and dirt. And... I didn't like the way the rain smelled, either. It smelled too much like plants. In Vegas, it smells really good and dusty and earthy. It didn't smell the way it smells when it rains and you get all happy. Utah rain is different. The funny thing is Josh's coworkers said that on the east coast it smells like plants when it rains but here in Utah it just smells dusty. They have no idea. Culture and environment are amazing.
So pretty much, what I'm saying, desert people, is savor your rain. Not because you live in a desert and you need rain, but because your rain smells way better and feels way nicer.
(Except for in the rain quantity. That's the only place that Utah rain has you beat.)
Besides all that, I really like singing because people comment on it when I sing at church and say I have a lovely voice or that I'm really good at picking out the alto note and so I love singing because it's one way I know for sure how to define myself. I mean, that's easy. You sing and people hear and they say, "Wow, you're really good," and then I feel like someone. I guess I'm not really good at introducing myself. People ask what my major is and I say creative writing and they say cool but they don't realize JUST HOW COOL. Like, they don't realize that that has been my entire life for eighteen years and that it's going to be my entire life for however much longer. The other day I met someone at FHE and talked to her and I had the opportunity to tell her I was going on a mission, and that was the most exciting thing in the world for me. I'd been living here for about two weeks at that point and was just begging to tell someone that, but no one had asked. I don't know how to show people who I am. When I take my binder containing Story 3 out to write it's not like anyone asks what it is, and I don't just offer it out. (Bishop, however, did ask if I had written novels. You're a real one, Bishop.) It took YEARS for me to be known as the writer in high school. I only have a year here; how am I supposed to show people that? Lowkey have been considering just making cards that have the blog on them so that I can pass them out and people can take the easy way out when it comes to getting to know me. I don't know how to introduce myself, and I have a way of getting comfortable with friends really slowly. How do I do this?
I also realized that I usually vibe with the younger crowd, and now... I am the younger crowd. Maybe that's another reason that I'm having a hard time with friends.
I know that all sounds really gloomy, but I really am having a great time here. I've been reading the Book of Mormon as well as Oliver Twist like crazy. Plus, me, Em, and Josh have been binge watching Friends, and I am quite in love.
Alright, so now that I've rambled on about the next part of my life, I want to get to the real point of this post.
This post is entitled "Something About Positivity" rather than "Regarding Positivity" or "A Positivity Post" or simply "Positivity" because I'm not quite sure how to define it. But this was so important to me that I had to write it, that I put off the post that I was going to write just for this one. I hope every single one of you family, friends, followers, and fans are reading this one, because I think it is so important.
I follow my people very closely on social media. I love keeping up on your lives. Let me start with that. It doesn't matter how many years it's been. I never, EVER forget you guys. I still keep up with people I knew in kindergarten. You meet me once, and we're friends forever.
And so with that said, I can see how much hard stuff you are all going through. It breaks my heart to hear about all of your personal tragedies, and the terrible thing is there's no way I'm even hearing all of it. Like, when you guys are sad, I get SO SAD, because I just wish I could tell you something AMAZING that would make you feel better, especially my young friends that I used to be in choir with because I was your choir president and I used to be able to try to do that and I used to feel like I could help you guys and I can't.
So maybe that's why the title of this post hints that it has something to do with positivity, because it's not to say that you guys are actively being negative, because I don't think that's true. I just thought I would write a few things about what helps me stay positive no matter what's going on, because that is the one thing I can do for you guys at this point, and I want to be able to give you life-saving advice like I used to make ridiculous attempts to do. Writing is the only thing I can ever do, so here's my gift to you. I hope it's any sort of good enough.
The first thing I do is write every day. I guess not everyone likes writing the way I do, but that's not what I mean. My little brother from choir Trevor once told me that he felt like I was so much more mentally stable than everyone else because I write all the time. I used to not think that was true, but now I know what he's saying. I keep a hardcore journal and write about my day and my thoughts. And when I sit down and write at the end of every day, it's the calmest thing in the world. During really bad periods of my life it's very relaxing, and during good times too. I for some reason find it easier to be positive when I write, so it's awesome to end the day in a good way. I encourage you to do that. And I encourage you to write honestly, to let out the good and let out the bad. I want you to say it how it is. However, beware of dwelling too much on negativity in writing. With that said, do write about the negative when you really need to. And once you've gotten that written down, write yourself a pep talk next. Write yourself something hopeful about how things will get better. Write yourself something about how you're strong enough to get through this. And then write a few things that you're grateful for. It can be something huge like family or something basic like cinnamon rolls. I've written pretty much everything down. If you need to, write something you love about yourself. Write about your life, and write about goodness. You'll see it.
You guys all know I'm an open book. I have a SMALL number of secrets. That's why my secrets are so valuable to me, is if I give them up I won't have any more. I write on this blog for all of you to see and confess everything through my writing. But my journal is personal. A lot of us write publicly on various social media, and you have no idea how awesome I think that is. Keep doing that. But I also encourage you to pick up a notebook and start a journal for yourself, because I think that you will undoubtedly tell the full truth to yourself. When you're only telling other people how you feel behind your writing, you'll be telling the truth, but you may not be telling the full truth and you may even be watering down what you feel by a lot. That's not good. When we write for just ourselves about our own lives and thoughts and feelings, we are being completely honest, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32) I guess the tragic thing is that the most beautiful things I write are the things that no one will ever see, because those are the things that are just for me. The second I die you can all have as much access to that writing as you want, because at that point I won't need it for myself anymore. That space is for me to think and to figure out what I feel, and for honesty, and honesty is my favorite. So write about your life for yourself, and do it with honesty.
My second piece of advice is to pray.
Imagine having a friend that loves you. But this love, it's like nothing you've ever heard of. This friend loves you and is so pleased with you when you're doing things right. But when you're doing things wrong, that friend still loves you without question and loves you the whole time. That friend is honest with you; that friend won't tell you you're right when you're wrong, and won't support your bad actions; but that friend will support you the whole time and hope that you choose better. That friend will always be there for you. But if you ever choose to not be with that friend, that friend will still love you. And if you ever choose to come back to that friend, that friend will take you back without even questioning it for half a second. That friend loves to give you gifts, and forgives you when you forget to thank that friend for the gifts, but is very happy when you do thank that friend. That friend loves when you ask for advice or help or for anything, because that friend wants to give you all that. And that friend would listen to you rant ALL DAY.  You could tell that friend anything. That friend misses you when you're gone and cherishes you when you're there. That friend really loves you without condition. That friend is perfect. That friend is the ideal image of a friend.
That friend is real. That friend is God. God is our Heavenly Father, and He loves us so much. All those things I just described about Him are true, but to be honest, I don't even know the half of how much Heavenly Father loves you. My mortal mind isn't even capable of imagining it. And yes, I said you, like, *insert your name* you. You as a member of a collective, but also you as an individual person. God loves everyone as imperfect as we all are. He is willing to be there for us. I think the trouble a lot of people have in believing in God is that if He really is all powerful, He would just make everything better. Let me tell you. He doesn't do that. Let me try to explain why.
I was talking to Emily the other day about all the things I want and kind of how in desperate moments I would jump right to them if I had the chance. One example is being a published writer. Emily then asked, wouldn't I want the experience rather than just having gotten there? She was absolutely right. I do love experiences. I love the between part in the middle of beginning and end. So in my sane moments I know that I would never jump right to success. I think the same thing goes with Heavenly Father. He loves us so much that He doesn't make everything better for us; He lets us have the beautiful experience of happiness and pain and learning, and then at the end of it we have eternal joy. I swear, if you talk to God, He will talk back. I don't mean in person, but you will feel His Spirit, and through His Spirit you'll be able to know He is listening to you and there for you. I've felt His love for me after talking to Him. I've recognized His help in my life after many, many, many prayers. You probably won't recognize it right away. But whether you've prayed every day of your life or whether you've never prayed at all or anywhere in between, I invite you to give it a try. When you pray, you can thank God for what you have, and sometimes it will be hard, so it can even be helpful before you pray to meditate about things you really want to offer to your Heavenly Father. You'll think of a lot of great things in your life and your heart will be filled with gratitude, so thank Him for all the things in your life. Then you can ask for help. If you need something, please don't be afraid to ask for it. You might not get what you think you need or when you think you need it, and you also might, but anyone that is willing to ask for help will get it when they ask of God. I pray for things I want to know or remember or obtain. It's also a personal favorite of mine to pray for your family and friends when they are having a hard time. If you know there is something they need or an answer they are looking for, give them a thought in your prayer. I often don't know what to do when I see a friend that is having trouble, so when that's the case a prayer is an easy way to give them love when you aren't sure how to approach them; sometimes I even pray to know how to help a friend.
Want to know one other great thing about prayer?
I really mean it when I say you can tell our Heavenly Father anything.
Sometimes, when things are really bad, I literally just cry and tell God in my prayer all the things that are wrong and all the ways that I'm hurting. I just say what I'm feeling and thinking. You can do that in good times, bad times, any times in between. He really is listening.
I invite you to find some quiet alone time, kneel down before Heavenly Father, and just say what you want to say. Give thanks, ask any questions you may need answered or for blessings you may need, ask for advice and knowledge, and just say what you want to say. I promise if you do this with faith in your heart and hope that He is listening, you will know. You will know that He is listening.
I love you all. I really mean it. If you ever need me, the blog is always open. Always. It's never unavailable for you guys. If you need me for anything, this is me asking you what I can do for you.
A few things in closing.
Firstly, please don't shame yourself. You shouldn't feel sorry for being who you are. You should feel sorry for mistakes, but you shouldn't let that guilt weigh you down, you should let it drive you to try again. You shouldn't feel sorry for trying to fix your mistakes. You shouldn't feel sorry for being alive. You're allowed to be alive. You're supposed to be alive. You shouldn't feel sorry for not being good enough. Whenever you're trying to be your best, you are good enough. You're allowed to make mistakes, because then you can have the pleasure of learning and fixing your mistakes. Don't be ashamed of being alive.
Second, it will get better. Whatever is wrong, it will get better, because you will get better. One of my new favorite things to pray for is strength. Heavenly Father doesn't automatically fix things, but He supplies strength to anyone who asks for it and has faith that He will give it. He won't keep that strength from you if you trust Him and ask Him for it. You will be strong enough to get through anything.
Lastly, please, don't feel guilty for being happy. You're allowed to be happy, and you're supposed to be happy.
My dad once gave me a priesthood blessing in a really hard time in my life. One thing that was said in the blessing was that just because not everything is right doesn't mean everything is wrong. It was like God was letting me know that I had permission to be happy. I was not obligated to be sad just because my life wasn't perfect. Those words are still setting me free. I try to live by them now. Whenever I remember how many problems I have, I remember that not everything is wrong, and I'm allowed to be joyful about that.
I love you. I really do.
--Lizzo