Hello everyone. Writing this today feels rather somber.
I feel like I'm mourning my death all over again. I feel like I'm at my child's funeral. Celebrating and remembering the death of something I loved and gave my everything for. I've spent time reminiscing and laughing and crying and feeling pretty much all the feelings as I've remembered what a beautiful thing this was in my life. And now that the remembering is over, I feel scared. I feel a new kind of heartbroken. Because it ended long ago. But now that the official remembering period is done, it feels like a new kind of really over. A really over that has come in so many stages, and this is another one.
But, and as funny as it might sound to say this because I'm pretty sure either no young adult women or all young adult women think about this man as much as I do, I am entirely serious (probably) when I say it reminds me of the classic David Archuleta bop:
"I see you in the morning light.
I see you in the midnight sky.
I feel it everywhere around me,
never have to say goodbye.
It doesn't matter where I go.
I feel you in every memory.
I hold them till I see you again
through the cracks of heaven."
I see missionary work in everything now. I see California in everything now. I see Jesus in everything now more than I ever have. Remembering is never really over. This was a significant part of my life. I literally cannot let it go. It is a part of me. Just about every return missionary I know says that is true. None of us ever really forget. It was that sacred. It was that special.
This week at church out of absolutely nowhere I was flooded and overwhelmed out of absolutely nowhere by what a tender mercy my mission call was. I know so many missionaries have it so much harder than I did when applying to be a missionary, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't very difficult to get out on a mission. When I got a mission call, it had been about a year since I had started my application. It was the most amazing feeling and the greatest miracle. I remember sitting there and having to tell myself over and over, "This is real." When I got in that moment that I had dreamed of for years, I couldn't believe that it was finally happening. I still can't believe how perfect that assignment was for me. While I was waiting for my call, people would always ask me where I wanted to go. I always told them that I didn't know, but I could tell that God had one place for me that was the perfect place to me, and I didn't know where that was, but I knew that when I found out I would know it was perfect. It would be the place for me. I had no idea how true that was. LA really was my one place. The only time during my missionary service when I left the California Los Angeles Mission boundaries was for a Dodgers game just down the street from our mission. Most missionaries go to a missionary training center. I did not. The whole time I applied to be a missionary I talked about how much I didn't want to go to a training center. It didn't sound appealing to me at all. Some of it even sounded scary to me. I was never assigned to go to a training center, and I know that's because God knew it wasn't right for me. The more I learn about the training center, the more I realized how much (in particular at the beginning of my mission) the environment would have upset me, the number of missionaries there would have scared me, and the eating situation would have absolutely paralyzed me. I would not have been able to function. I would have fallen apart, and I was not meant to do that. I was meant to stick it out. I was meant to make it to Los Angeles and teach people about Jesus Christ and His gospel. God didn't let me go to the places that would break me. As a two-transfer missionary, even once I was in LA as I was assigned, there was no guarantee I would stay there. There was in fact no guarantee that I would stay on a mission at all. But I couldn't even imagine leaving LA. It fit me like a glove. The entire mission lifestyle did. It was incredible--it was like the first time in my life that I had felt that level of comfortable in my own skin. God knew that when I got another mission call to extend my mission, it needed to be in Los Angeles.
Can we talk about how amazing it was to be in Los Angeles at all? It was love at first sight for me when I first went there at age fifteen. When I made my second visit my freshman year of college, I spent the trip thinking about how alive I felt when I was in LA. I felt like I was where I was truly meant to be, exactly in my element. That was about one year before I reported to my mission. I had no idea exactly how true those thoughts were at the time. But God did. I wish I could even begin to describe how much that angelic city means to me, but to be honest, I think that would take up a post of its own, so I'm not even going to try.
I left for this incredible journey at the exact right time. I had waited so long and I remember that effortful wait being so excruciating at certain moments. I remember wondering what was wrong with me and just being in pain. But I also remember the Spirit of the Lord making it clear to me at multiple times during that process that He was buying me time. I needed to wait so that the right thing could happen for me and for the people I would meet on my mission. Leaving when I wanted to just wasn't right. I am so glad I stuck it out and that I trusted that God knew the right time for me. While it didn't make sense to me at the time, I needed that time to learn and grow to become the woman God needed me to be in order to be a missionary. When I got to Los Angeles, I had the exact right experiences at the exact right time that I needed to have them. There are even experiences I had and people that I met that I desperately needed in my life that if I had left any sooner, I would have missed them entirely.
I faced a lot of health challenges that nearly prevented me from serving a mission. But as I contemplate this, I am reminded of a Bible story. This is John 9:1-3:
"And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."
Jesus went on to heal this blind man. This miracle was a testament of His divinity. I was born different too, and the reason for that is so God could heal me and show the world a miracle, and also so that I as a missionary (and, by following the Spirit, for the rest of my life) could perform miracles in His name.
I guess that in short it was an overall miracle. The mission was a miracle. The message is a miracle. My ability to heal after adversity and thrive as a missionary was a miracle. Being in Los Angeles was a miracle. Being comfortable in my own skin was a miracle. Making friends that felt like family was a miracle. There's nothing about it that wasn't absolutely astonishing.
It felt perfect, and nothing in mortal life is. But when I was a teenager people used to call me perfect all the time, and it really bothered me. That probably greatly attributes to how hard I was on myself back in the day (and sometimes still, to be truthful). But I was praying last night and I was praying about how needful God is. I was praying about the grace of Jesus Christ and how it is Him that makes us whole. And it really hit me that He not only fills my every gap, but every perfect thing about me is Him shining through. When people see something good in me, I can feel good about that. When we see something good in anything, we are seeing Jesus shining through. Truly all things testify of Him. (Alma 30:44)
Enjoy!
I'm going to warn you right now, this will be a long-winded one. I've had a lot on my mind and have been going through about a thousand grief cycles every day. I don't want to lose a single moment of this precious final week, so it is all coming down here. This is my final statement before I conclude this incredible and life-changing journey. Stay with me.
LA LOVE:
This week was a miracle and I don't think enough of that will be featured in this letter if I don't say it straight, so I'm just saying it straight here. The week started very dry with very little teaching people, and it was pretty devastating. But I realized near the end of the week that I was not running on very much faith. So I prayed and begged Heavenly Father for miracles in finding and teaching. The weekend was incredible and full. The Lord always provides if we just let Him, and if we just accept what He has to offer. His plan is always a lot better than mine.
Something I"m going to really miss about LA, besides, like, everything, is the movie billboards everywhere. I know movie posters exist other places, but they're absolutely everywhere here, especially further north (there's not a ton of that going on in South Bay, but it's also significantly further from the industry than the valley and the city so that makes sense). I simply adore this place.
EVENTS OF THE WEEK:
We had a fantastic time going to the mission office so I could apply to be an MTC teacher! And it was Sister Allred's first time walking around the temple. Plus makeup shopping and a spa day with the sisters? Sounds like a great day to me!
I had the best birthday ever! It was on the day of district council, so I requested to have it in person so I could see my district family one more time before I go home and so I could throw a little birthday party for them. We ended up pretty late because the sisters' car's battery died, and it's a new hybrid, so we had to figure out how to jump it. (Fun fact: it takes six missionaries plus two senior missionaries over the phone to jump a RAV-4. If you need to know where the battery is, it was hidden in the very back of the car. We had to dissect the entire trunk of the car. Wild times.) But we did finally make it to district council and it was great. I didn't even get too emo, not even when we sang "God Be With YOu Till We Meet Again" for the closing song, so I thought I was gonna be able to keep it cool the entire time, but then we said a closing prayer and I just sat there and wept. As soon as the prayer ended I blasted off so fast so the elders couldn't see me cry haha. I got my homemade gluten-free ice cream cake out and we just hung out in the kitchen and had a little party. The sisters couldn't attend in person so we had another party at home with them later. Then Sister Wall and Sister Payne called us that night and played a ukulele hymns concert and it was the most beautiful thing ever. It was the best day ever--I am twenty-one, and I got to spend the day with my district family.
We had an English conversation class with Haruka! I love her so much. Sister Allred even got to share a little bit of our beliefs with her in her native language! It was fantastic.
We had a teach for understanding training about the creation of the world and the fall of Adam and Eve, which I loved because in my opinion those are extremely underrated principles, very important to the Plan of Salvation.
I had my final interview with President Cordon. It was lovely. He told me that I could tell people I had completed an honorable mission. He said I have faced a lot of emotional challenges but that I didn't quit. We talked about how to live an honorable life after the mission. He gave me advice for my MTC application. We are both very happy for me. Even though leaving the mission is sad, as the missionary Aaron said about his brother Ammon, "the Spirit of the Lord has called [me] another way." (Alma 22:1-4)
For the last Makeup with the Sisters, I designed a California Love look to celebrate my favorite place.
I had my last sacrament meeting with my dear missionaries. I remember putting my makeup on that morning hoping it would last through the day. It lasted a maximum of an hour, hahaha! Elder Mangum, who conducts our sacrament meetings, asked me for every song what my favorite opening/sacrament/closing hymn was. It was super heartbreaking. I again wept as we said the closing prayer, then blasted off to cry my makeup off in the bathroom. Then said goodbye to my friends. They have all been super supportive because listen up, we are the CLAM FAM.
We had the pleasure of watching this month's mission fireside! President Galorath, President Cordon's first counselor, shared the story of how he became converted to Jesus Christ and it was awesome.
I had my final congratulations call with my zone. Wow, I love them so much. We have some great missionaries here. I got to share some final words with my team. I told them there was nothing more important that they could be doing with their lives. I told them Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. I told them that there is no way I will be able to express how much I love them; that I pray for each and every one of them by name every night and I probably will for a long time; that in premortality Heavenly Father probably, when presenting who I would be serving a mission with, pulled back a curtain and revealed THEM and I was simply overjoyed that I got to serve with the best of the best. I told them they had so much to give and especially because they had the priesthood on their side. The sisters sang a special goodbye song for me. It was emo, but it was all true. What a good bunch I have here.
FRIENDS:
Craig has simply turned into a spiritual giant. His prayers are so faith-filled, he can identify the Spirit, and he knows that the gospel is true. He learned about fasting and he decided to participate in his first fast soon. He also wonderfully understands the doctrine of the Sabbath day as we discussed that this week. We also talked a lot about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and just how incredibly deep it [is]. He knows he will get baptized someday, it's just a matter of when. Keep our dear friend in your prayers. God is ready for him.
We had a great time reading scripture stories this week with Beverly. One of the things we read was about the Sabbath day and she described the Sabbath as a breeze blowing through your mind and heart to refresh you for the rest of the week. It was so amazing!
We met with Cathryn and she is so wonderful! We taught her about the Sabbath day and she told us about the care she puts into it to make it a special day for the Lord. We love her.
We talked about the concept of eternal families with Andre. He doesn't yet understand resurrection so it's hard for him to understand, but we are looking forward to him learning more about this. He gave me some advice before I go home to so that was so sweet.
We taught our new friend Christina pretty briefly about the Holy Ghost, but she loved it. She has a strong knowledge that we come from God!
Cindy joined us with John and Craig for a Sabbath worship experience. We read from Mormon 7 but ended up talking a lot about resurrection. Cindy loved knowing we can see our family and friends again after we die.
I have a lot I want to say to conclude my final letter home from the California Los Angeles Mission, because my heart is so full. I have shed a lot of tears this week and even this transfer, but it is all okay because that at least means I had something beautiful to cry about. I have wanted to be a missionary for a very long time. It has been more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I don't know what I was expecting from this experience, only that I am lucky that this is the experience my God chose to give me. It has brought me so much joy!
I want to say a few goodbyes to all the things and people that matter.
To my calling. There is nothing more special. Talking to Sister Allred the other day, I noted that it doesn't matter what I do in the rest of my life, I will never be more famous than we are now. NO matter where we go, we catch everyone's eye, and nearly everyone is happy to see us. I had someone tell me once that before we even started talking to her she saw us all the way down the street--we were glowing like angels. I have felt my smile light up wherever I am in a way I definitely didn't know how to do before. I have said words that I wasn't even thinking that were carried out of me by the Spirit of the Lord. I have learned so much about spiritual things and how to teach them, and I know I am teaching the truth. Today we were driving by our local park and saw what at first glance was a group of teenage boys playing sports together, but Sister Allred looked again because she noticed they were different; they had a special light. Upon second glance they were our elders. There is something very special about being a missionary. We are called by and given the power of God to do His work. It is an absolute honor.
To my city. I went to LA for the first time when I was fifteen and it was love at first sight. Three years later, one year before I reported to the mission, I found myself there again. I remember being in Hollywood and noting how alive I felt there, how when I was there I felt like I was where I was meant to be. I had no idea how true that was at the time. LA, you mean the world to me. You are holy ground. You are the soil in which I was planted and absolutely bloomed. I know exactly why you are called the City of Angels.
To the local members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Thank you for loving us and taking care of us. I remember moments on my mission where I was so overwhelmed with love from you and for you that I didn't know what to do. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family. This is a home to me.
To the people I have taught. You have changed me. Your examples of repentance inspire me. I have watched your very countenances change as you have accepted Jesus Christ. I see how much He has blessed you as He has blessed me. Keep being faithful. I know I was your teacher, which was my greatest joy--I love teaching and I love the gospel, so what a wonderful combination--but I hope you understand how much you also taught me. Thank you.
To my fellow missionaries. I really wasn't expecting you to be my favorite part of my mission. You are my brothers and sisters. No one can be there for a missionary like a missionary can. It is such a wildly unique experience that no one else can even really know how. You have taught me so much and become my family.. There will never be a time in my life or in eternity when that will not be true. When I was set apart with this calling, I was blessed to have angels literally on my right and on my left. I know without a doubt that many of those angels were from heaven. But I also know they were you.
When I think of you I think of a favorite lyric from my favorite song from my favorite play, "Letter from the Refuge" from Newsies: "On the rooftop you said that a family looks out for each other, so you tell all the fellas for me to protect one another." I know I was the mom friend, and I will do what I can from 200+ miles away, but please take care of each other. Companions, districts, zones, and missions are some of God's greatest gifts to us. Be there for each other.
I am also reminded of a scripture about one of my favorite missionaries, Alma, and his missionary friends, in Alma 17:1-2:
"And now it came to pass that as Alma was journeying from the land of Gideon southward, away to the land of Manti, behold, to his astonishment, he met with the sons of Mosiah journeying towards the land of Zarahemla.
Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel first appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God."
I anxiously await that day.
To my God. This is no goodbye because You're always with me. I love You so much. You're the reason for every good thing in my life. On to the next adventure!
And to everyone everywhere, I must share an invitation in scripture more eloquent and accurate than anything I could ever say, Moroni 10:32:
"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God."
I know this is true. I know that God and goodness have no stopping point, no limit, no expiration date. I am overjoyed to be His. I have done what He asked me to do, and I am happy. I know Jesus Christ lives and He lives for us all.
Thanks and much love!
--Sister Day
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