Hello one and all!
I understand that it has been a really long time since I have written any content here, but wow, am I so happy to be here. It's very nice to write purely original content now that I am a fully settled civilian. As you surely know I have been very busy. Sometimes with moments that I was fighting anxiety with my life, sometimes just because I have a great job and great education. A new semester has begun, and I am more committed than ever to what I do. This fine semester I am taking script analysis; methods of teaching writing; intro to film; schools, society, and diversity; and foundations in education at the university, as well as foundations of the Restoration and choir at the religious institute. So as you can imagine, I am loving school right now. I am surely very busy as you understand. That along with the stress I was facing the past month has made it hard to get back on the blog. But now, I'm back! And even better, I have the next TWO months of blog content scheduled and planned, so I am so excited for that and all the amazing adventures we have coming our way. I am thriving! And genuinely so happy with the place I am at in life.
Today we start the second month of a new year--the year is young! Over the past month I have been having a lot of miscellaneous thoughts about the new year, or I guess the concept of being new in general. I've wanted to share them all with you, and I've compiled them into a single coherent thought right here.
A few weeks ago I was playing games with some roommates and friends. One of the games involved all of us reacting to different statements and prompts that we were sent to each of our phones, except for one of us who got nothing--that person was called the faker, and had to just pretend to know what was going on. To win the game, we all had to guess who the faker was.
Well, one round of this game I was the faker. Most of you know that I am pretty bad at faking things, but I of course still had to give it my best shot. For this particular round we were reacting facially to a bunch of different statements. As my friends read the statement they were sent, I stared at my phone and determined what face I would make. I decided on a gigantic, beaming smile.
When the time came, I grinned. I looked around at all my friends. They were all grimacing, or making some sort of dreary face.
The statement was then revealed. We were supposed to react with the face we make when it is Monday.
Everyone was really suspicious of me because I was the only one making a happy face. But I defended myself, saying that Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. Which was not a lie--that is actually true. And they could tell that was a genuine statement, so they let it slide that time. I did, however, get caught the very next round.
I know that I am in the strong minority by loving Mondays. But I really do, and I love Mondays for the same reason everyone loves a new year. Mondays are the start of a new week. It doesn't matter what last week looked like. It may have been the best week ever or it may have been absolute garbage. But regardless, Monday is the mark of a new week. This is a new opportunity to stay on top of my homework, to succeed at work, to connect with God on a better level, to love my friends and family, to to learn and create and become the best version of myself--and I would be lying if I said missionary emails weren't a significant contributor to my love for Mondays as well. Sure, there are times that it can be intimidating to face a whole new week of life, but most of the time it's exciting for me. This is an opportunity to do better than I did before.
I think that's why everyone loves a new year. It is a mark of change--it is something entirely new. I must say that a new year is not all the hype that people make it out to be, because it is not like a new year comes and everything automatically resets. In fact, I'm just gonna say it straight: nothing but the year magically resets when a new year comes. However, I think the thing we must remember that is actually special about this event is that something is new. Something is untainted and we have the ability to make it our own.
For me, the start of a new year also means the start of a new semester. That's what really brought these goals on, to be honest, but I think they made me more see the value of new year's resolutions, so consider me converted on that matter. I made some decisions for the semester in ways I want to do better. I of course set some homework goals, but I also set one for myself personally. I made a goal to just let myself be, to let myself exist in my own skin comfortably. One of the things that made my missionary service such an enjoyable experience is that for the first time in quite a long time (not always, of course; I won't say this was never a struggle for me) it was easy for me to be myself and feel comfortable just living as I am. Not only was it the first time in a long time like that, but there have been very few times in my life when that has actually been true. I'm sure you can imagine the dilemma it is being a quiet person with a loud personality. When the quiet person wins, the loud personality feels trapped and heartbroken because nobody truly knows and understands her. When the loud personality wins, the quiet person is highly embarrassed and laments why she has to be the way that she is. It has been a struggle living in this beautiful soul of mine. But when I truly let myself be myself, it is the best feeling. That was one of the things that made the mission so great, and here's what I have learned and have to continuously remind myself: the right people in life will be okay with that and make you feel good about that, and when it's hard for you to accept yourself as you are, they remind you that you should, and that they accept you as you are. And it won't even be a fight. When you have genuinely good people in your life, people that want you in their lives, you are not competing for attention. You are not trying to convince people of anything. (This can be a hard pill for me to swallow, because I have pretty much convinced myself that life is built of trying to manipulate your way to convincing people of things.) You don't trick people into loving you. People that want to be in your life will just be in your life. If they don't, that's fine. They don't deserve to be somewhere they don't want to be, and you don't deserve to beat yourself up every day trying to convince someone (to no avail--it NEVER works, EVER, and that will never change) that doesn't want to be there to stay.
With that said, I have decided that no matter what, it's time to break my comfort zone and just let myself exist in every moment, whether it's a moment I feel comfortable existing in or not. I want to start by making it clear that this has not been easy. There are still so many moments when I hide in the shell I've built for myself, times that I am paralyzed with fear and filled with overwhelming anxiety. But the point of goals isn't to be perfect immediately, but rather to improve over time. And I can genuinely say I've done that. Dear friends, I am happy to report that I have already seen such a success in this and it's only been one month, and it's such a joy to have this goal a few months after my missionary service because I know that experience definitely prepared me for this moment. I feel good being who I am (almost all the time) and letting people into my life. People say hi to me in the halls at school, and it makes me feel like the coolest person ever. I feel so much more comfortable smiling at people and helping others. I feel more comfortable looking dumb, which is HUGE for me, but I've decided I can make looking dumb look graceful. I make comments in class, comments that put myself out there and show how much I really love what I do, and I'm brave in class and try to act as I would, as I feel, as I am. And people respond to what I say so positively, because I am a person worth listening to, whether I've let myself believe that or not in the past. People introduce themselves to me before/after class. I feel so much more known and so much more loved and so much a part of this world that I was literally made to be a part of. I still struggle, but that doesn't matter--that will always be true. But what is also true is that I have improved so much and really come into my own even more thus far this year.
Whatever your goals are for the new year, I believe in you. I know you can do this. And I implore you to remember the following: if your year started bad, remember that it is not the end--not the end of the year, and not the end of you. It is just the beginning of both. I have talked a lot about all of the joy I have experienced at the beginning of this new year, but I have also experienced unbelievably painful anxiety and grief--like literally, I was even shocked by how much it hurt and how long that pain could last. I actually have a track record in most of my adult civilian life starting with heartbreak. But I'm okay with that. New years are great opportunities to remember new moments, and the reality of the thing is that every moment can be a new moment. Years aren't the only things that start anew--months do, and days do, and hours do, and minutes do, and even seconds do. Think of all the countless opportunities we have to start again! It is truly a miracle. There is never a stopping point. It is never too late to turn back and to make yourself into who you truly want to be--and this is coming from a woman that has definitely had many points in her life when it seemed that my life was unfixable.
Many people choose a theme for the year in a phrase, word, or group of words. For me, I choose a theme of the year in song. I choose a song that is going to represent my mindset in the coming year. Here I'm formally announcing that my song of the year is "I Am Enough" by Cimorelli, and I think it very well encompasses my goal for the year. Inadequacies will always exist inside me, but that isn't going to kill me. It doesn't matter who is or isn't in my life. It doesn't matter what people think. It matters that I exist. EVERYONE is enough--we are children of a powerful God! That is awesome. That is so incredibly enough. That is amazing. And that is something that is independent--no one can change that. No one can take that away from you. That will remain true forever. I will always be enough due to that fact--as will everyone on this earth.
With that said, I've been thinking a lot about something else lately. I started this year feeling very weak. Circumstances that had me feeling very vulnerable and hurt and with a broken heart. But this was also a really awesome opportunity--it gave me the chance to recommit to relying on God. It helped me see how much I need Him, because I can take that for granted from time to time, when really every day I should cherish what a miracle that is. It gave me so much opportunity to learn about the strength behind weakness, because Jesus is the strength in us. So when we are weak, we are actually (if we choose to rely on the Lord) the strongest we will ever be. It only makes sense: Jesus asks us to bring to him "a broken heart and a contrite spirit" in sacrifice to Him--so is there really any other way to come to God than to be weak?
This thought has been bringing a new realization to me. Is being alive really about discovering that we are enough? Or is it really about realizing we are in fact not enough, and learning to be okay with that
The answer is definitely both. As I said, we are children of God, and that makes us enough. But we're definitely not enough on our own. We're not perfect. We make mistakes. But that's okay. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." We are made whole through our Savior. We become enough through Him. What a joy! What a mercy! What a miracle!
So yes it's true, there's nothing wrong with saying we are enough, because it's true. But with this new realization and with being increasingly comfortable in my own skin, I'm just going to bask in not being enough and being perfectly fine with that for awhile.
I hope you all have a great rest of the new year.
Thanks and much love!
A few weeks ago I was playing games with some roommates and friends. One of the games involved all of us reacting to different statements and prompts that we were sent to each of our phones, except for one of us who got nothing--that person was called the faker, and had to just pretend to know what was going on. To win the game, we all had to guess who the faker was.
Well, one round of this game I was the faker. Most of you know that I am pretty bad at faking things, but I of course still had to give it my best shot. For this particular round we were reacting facially to a bunch of different statements. As my friends read the statement they were sent, I stared at my phone and determined what face I would make. I decided on a gigantic, beaming smile.
When the time came, I grinned. I looked around at all my friends. They were all grimacing, or making some sort of dreary face.
The statement was then revealed. We were supposed to react with the face we make when it is Monday.
Everyone was really suspicious of me because I was the only one making a happy face. But I defended myself, saying that Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. Which was not a lie--that is actually true. And they could tell that was a genuine statement, so they let it slide that time. I did, however, get caught the very next round.
I know that I am in the strong minority by loving Mondays. But I really do, and I love Mondays for the same reason everyone loves a new year. Mondays are the start of a new week. It doesn't matter what last week looked like. It may have been the best week ever or it may have been absolute garbage. But regardless, Monday is the mark of a new week. This is a new opportunity to stay on top of my homework, to succeed at work, to connect with God on a better level, to love my friends and family, to to learn and create and become the best version of myself--and I would be lying if I said missionary emails weren't a significant contributor to my love for Mondays as well. Sure, there are times that it can be intimidating to face a whole new week of life, but most of the time it's exciting for me. This is an opportunity to do better than I did before.
I think that's why everyone loves a new year. It is a mark of change--it is something entirely new. I must say that a new year is not all the hype that people make it out to be, because it is not like a new year comes and everything automatically resets. In fact, I'm just gonna say it straight: nothing but the year magically resets when a new year comes. However, I think the thing we must remember that is actually special about this event is that something is new. Something is untainted and we have the ability to make it our own.
For me, the start of a new year also means the start of a new semester. That's what really brought these goals on, to be honest, but I think they made me more see the value of new year's resolutions, so consider me converted on that matter. I made some decisions for the semester in ways I want to do better. I of course set some homework goals, but I also set one for myself personally. I made a goal to just let myself be, to let myself exist in my own skin comfortably. One of the things that made my missionary service such an enjoyable experience is that for the first time in quite a long time (not always, of course; I won't say this was never a struggle for me) it was easy for me to be myself and feel comfortable just living as I am. Not only was it the first time in a long time like that, but there have been very few times in my life when that has actually been true. I'm sure you can imagine the dilemma it is being a quiet person with a loud personality. When the quiet person wins, the loud personality feels trapped and heartbroken because nobody truly knows and understands her. When the loud personality wins, the quiet person is highly embarrassed and laments why she has to be the way that she is. It has been a struggle living in this beautiful soul of mine. But when I truly let myself be myself, it is the best feeling. That was one of the things that made the mission so great, and here's what I have learned and have to continuously remind myself: the right people in life will be okay with that and make you feel good about that, and when it's hard for you to accept yourself as you are, they remind you that you should, and that they accept you as you are. And it won't even be a fight. When you have genuinely good people in your life, people that want you in their lives, you are not competing for attention. You are not trying to convince people of anything. (This can be a hard pill for me to swallow, because I have pretty much convinced myself that life is built of trying to manipulate your way to convincing people of things.) You don't trick people into loving you. People that want to be in your life will just be in your life. If they don't, that's fine. They don't deserve to be somewhere they don't want to be, and you don't deserve to beat yourself up every day trying to convince someone (to no avail--it NEVER works, EVER, and that will never change) that doesn't want to be there to stay.
With that said, I have decided that no matter what, it's time to break my comfort zone and just let myself exist in every moment, whether it's a moment I feel comfortable existing in or not. I want to start by making it clear that this has not been easy. There are still so many moments when I hide in the shell I've built for myself, times that I am paralyzed with fear and filled with overwhelming anxiety. But the point of goals isn't to be perfect immediately, but rather to improve over time. And I can genuinely say I've done that. Dear friends, I am happy to report that I have already seen such a success in this and it's only been one month, and it's such a joy to have this goal a few months after my missionary service because I know that experience definitely prepared me for this moment. I feel good being who I am (almost all the time) and letting people into my life. People say hi to me in the halls at school, and it makes me feel like the coolest person ever. I feel so much more comfortable smiling at people and helping others. I feel more comfortable looking dumb, which is HUGE for me, but I've decided I can make looking dumb look graceful. I make comments in class, comments that put myself out there and show how much I really love what I do, and I'm brave in class and try to act as I would, as I feel, as I am. And people respond to what I say so positively, because I am a person worth listening to, whether I've let myself believe that or not in the past. People introduce themselves to me before/after class. I feel so much more known and so much more loved and so much a part of this world that I was literally made to be a part of. I still struggle, but that doesn't matter--that will always be true. But what is also true is that I have improved so much and really come into my own even more thus far this year.
Whatever your goals are for the new year, I believe in you. I know you can do this. And I implore you to remember the following: if your year started bad, remember that it is not the end--not the end of the year, and not the end of you. It is just the beginning of both. I have talked a lot about all of the joy I have experienced at the beginning of this new year, but I have also experienced unbelievably painful anxiety and grief--like literally, I was even shocked by how much it hurt and how long that pain could last. I actually have a track record in most of my adult civilian life starting with heartbreak. But I'm okay with that. New years are great opportunities to remember new moments, and the reality of the thing is that every moment can be a new moment. Years aren't the only things that start anew--months do, and days do, and hours do, and minutes do, and even seconds do. Think of all the countless opportunities we have to start again! It is truly a miracle. There is never a stopping point. It is never too late to turn back and to make yourself into who you truly want to be--and this is coming from a woman that has definitely had many points in her life when it seemed that my life was unfixable.
Many people choose a theme for the year in a phrase, word, or group of words. For me, I choose a theme of the year in song. I choose a song that is going to represent my mindset in the coming year. Here I'm formally announcing that my song of the year is "I Am Enough" by Cimorelli, and I think it very well encompasses my goal for the year. Inadequacies will always exist inside me, but that isn't going to kill me. It doesn't matter who is or isn't in my life. It doesn't matter what people think. It matters that I exist. EVERYONE is enough--we are children of a powerful God! That is awesome. That is so incredibly enough. That is amazing. And that is something that is independent--no one can change that. No one can take that away from you. That will remain true forever. I will always be enough due to that fact--as will everyone on this earth.
With that said, I've been thinking a lot about something else lately. I started this year feeling very weak. Circumstances that had me feeling very vulnerable and hurt and with a broken heart. But this was also a really awesome opportunity--it gave me the chance to recommit to relying on God. It helped me see how much I need Him, because I can take that for granted from time to time, when really every day I should cherish what a miracle that is. It gave me so much opportunity to learn about the strength behind weakness, because Jesus is the strength in us. So when we are weak, we are actually (if we choose to rely on the Lord) the strongest we will ever be. It only makes sense: Jesus asks us to bring to him "a broken heart and a contrite spirit" in sacrifice to Him--so is there really any other way to come to God than to be weak?
This thought has been bringing a new realization to me. Is being alive really about discovering that we are enough? Or is it really about realizing we are in fact not enough, and learning to be okay with that
The answer is definitely both. As I said, we are children of God, and that makes us enough. But we're definitely not enough on our own. We're not perfect. We make mistakes. But that's okay. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." We are made whole through our Savior. We become enough through Him. What a joy! What a mercy! What a miracle!
So yes it's true, there's nothing wrong with saying we are enough, because it's true. But with this new realization and with being increasingly comfortable in my own skin, I'm just going to bask in not being enough and being perfectly fine with that for awhile.
I hope you all have a great rest of the new year.
Thanks and much love!
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