For starters, it is SO COLD here. It feels like winter in Vegas. Lately it's been quite literally freezing at night. It'll warm up for about a week, and then I think it's going to get colder again. This is absolutely wild; it's impossible to get warm. However, it's lowkey super beautiful and it has me very nostalgic for things like marching band, caroling, Christmas with the fam, and pretty much everything else that ever happened when it was cold.
I'm both taking a small number of classes and a large number of classes, thanks to Jumpstart.
Before I get too much into Jumpstart because I could literally say SO MUCH about Jumpstart, I'll talk about my classes that AREN'T Jumpstart.
My institute class this semester is Teachings of the Book of Mormon and it's literally the best. We just study the truths of the Book of Mormon using various scriptures and words from the living prophets. There's a different topic for each day and the talks are always super helpful to things I've been wondering about personally. This is definitely the class for me this semester.
I'm taking voice lessons! Sadly my lessons are only half an hour long because I don't have enough credits to take an hour-long class, but at least I still get to learn how to sing! My professor is amazing. It's lowkey super discouraging, because I could get away with thinking I was a good singer in high school... and now I can't. But I'm getting more and more okay with that every day and I'm honestly seeing myself improve. I really want to be a good singer because singing is something that's mattered to me a lot for a long time, and this is definitely a new adventure in that manner. I decided to compete in NATS (National Association of Teachers of Singing), which I wasn't originally going to do. Haha, I should know better by now. I always end up doing the things I don't think I'm going to do. I can't say it loud enough, people. If you want to do it, please just go ahead and do it.
Alright, now I'll go ahead and talk about Jumpstart. For those of you that don't know what it is yet, it's a class that meets for three hours every day, and over the course of the year I will complete all of my general classes. (With the exception of math.) My particular class has an emphasis in stage and screen; the other one has an emphasis in national parks. The classes I'm taking are basically biology, physics, theatre, philosophy, history, communication, academic writing (I will have another English class next semester), and... integrated workflow solutions? (I'm getting credit for that, but I'm pretty sure no one thinks that's a real class.)This stage and screen track is super awesome because we talk A LOT about movies and plays in pretty much every class. For example, my English teacher used film trailers to explain thesis statements. We went to see Raiders of the Lost Ark accompanied by the Utah Symphony Orchestra and had assignments for various classes all based around that event-- for example, my theatre assignment was to write a reaction of viewing a recorded performance versus viewing a live performance, while my physics assignment was to observe and take notes on the way the instruments made sounds and how the hall affected the sound while the orchestra was warming up. Two professors give their lectures every day. Some days I know what class I will have, and some days I don't. On Friday I had theatre and English. Today I had physics and philosophy. I know I'll have philosophy again tomorrow, but I don't know the other class I'll have. The thing is, though, any of the professors can come to class any day even if they're not teaching. They all sit in the back of the room, and any of them can speak at any time, whether it's to ask a question or contribute to the thought or show how it relates to what they teach, or anything. For example, this is a real thing that happened today during our philosophy lecture, when we were talking about John Locke's perception of self and his idea of the soul and why it is not the same as self:
Philosophy professor: Is God just swapping out souls while you sleep?
Biology professor: Is that all sleep IS???
English professor: They're NEVER going to sleep; stop doing this!!!
(Stuff like that happens a lot in philosophy.)
Yeah, so it's a pretty good class, as good as any other. Some days we discuss Romeo and Juliet. (Which we were required to see at the Utah Shakespeare Festival for class. The best.) Some days we learn the structure of the human ear. (You can't have all perfect days.) Some days we're learning about the human reproductive system (something about cloning was in there somewhere too) with Phineas and Ferb references. Some days you're doing experiments about light. (Another painful day.) Some days we're learning about the different forms of comedy and watching clips from various TV shows, movies, and plays for examples. Some days we're editing sound into a clip from The Birds. Some days we're looking at a labeled picture of a human eye and I'm wondering why one of those words is irrationally jumping out at me.
(It was the freaking iris.)
So yes. School is going fantastic.
I've also just started making today an SUU Bucket List. It's a list of things to do while I'm at college whether they be unique to Cedar City or SUU. So be following me to see all of the stuff I do, because I'm super excited. Most of the stuff is stuff recommended from the ACES, some I got from Emily, Josh, and Paige (who has never been formally introduced on the blog but is as old a family friend as any), and some I just made up by myself. If you ever lived in Cedar City or went to SUU, feel free to suggest!
It's interesting that today's topic is what it is just because of what happened last night. I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep, and just thinking. And one of the thoughts I fell upon was when we found out that our guard coach, Trina, would be leaving Basic. I was absolutely devastated even though I wouldn't be there next year. And how comforted I was when the new coach, Tracy, came in and worked with us on technique. I could finally be at rest with the idea because she was really good and I knew my friends were going to be okay. I went back to think about the day I learned that Trina would be leaving and how upset I was, and how I was even more upset than I realized, until in choir we started learning our senior song ("On Top of the World" by Imagine Dragons) that day, the one we would sing at my graduation, and it was one of the songs I had always associated with color guard, and the news from earlier that morning was still heavy in my heart and I had cried and cried and cried and cried that day during class, and I couldn't stop crying and Becca hugged me after class and asked what was wrong I couldn't stop saying, "Trina's gone. Trina's gone." And that was such a heartbreaking day for me.
I was thinking about that memory last night. And before I was even aware of what was happening I was sobbing again, uncontrollably, shaking. From a memory of a sad day, I was crying as if it was happening right then.
It's not particularly new to me. I've been told many times that I am an emotional person. And it's true. One word that was used in particular once was that the emotion I am led by is vulnerability; to translate, I am led by emotion in general, completely unguarded. That was pretty hurtful the first time I heard it (which pretty much just proves the point), but the more I thought about it it was true. And it doesn't have to be hurtful. For a long time I didn't know that. But I've really come to terms with it, and it doesn't only not need to be hurtful, but it can be good.
I am addressing myself in this post, but it is something everyone needs to hear. In fact, while I will get relatively specific, if you ever need to fill your name in where mine is, go ahead. This is something you should be comfortable with.
I love you all.
Dear Elizabeth,
You have to very opposing talents. One of them is a talent of objectivity, and the other is a talent of subjectivity.
Your objective talent is your ability to attach and detach yourself from an emotion. You can clearly remember what anger from HOWEVER many years ago felt like. You can remember what you thought and how it made you feel about a specific situation. You can remember exactly why you cried or exactly why you smiled. And you can make yourself feel that again. But then when you're done feeling it, you can take it away again as if the emotion had never been there. You've viewed this talent as a writing gift, because it come in very handy that way. If you want to write about a specific kind of anger but you don't feel it anymore, you just call upon the memory of that specific kind of anger and you feel as if you still possess it. Then when you're done writing whatever you need to get done, you dismiss the anger, and it's not yours anymore.
Your other talent is a lot more general and honestly a lot more who you are. Your subjectivity talent. You are SO GUIDED by what you FEEL than by anything else. That's why you're terrible at forming arguments. You don't usually have a strong amount of reasons for anything; you just go with the way you feel, and that's what's correct to you. It applies to literally everything. Like, you have this weird way of knowing when you're reading a book and there's a typical love triangle WHO the protagonist is going to choose because you can feel it. You don't always need reasons; you can literally just feel it.
The latter talent has bothered you a lot because you seem to be the only one feeling sometimes. And you, funny as this is, don't particularly like standing out in ordinary situations. You're expressing your love for something and everyone disregards it. You're talking about a story you wrote and it's so real to you and no one else is even CAPABLE of caring as much as you do, and you know that, but you're still so discouraged because it is your heart and soul. You're saying that it hurts you to remember the production that turned your life around and you are told that "it's just a show". You're crying on the floor of a hotel hallway because there's been a crisis while you guys are on your choir trip and you're referred to as "a sensitive one". You're talking about how you are emotion-led and someone says they wouldn't say that about you, the way people tell you you're not fat when you call yourself fat as if you had just called yourself ugly.
Since you have both of those gifts, there are times in life when one takes over more than the other. And so in times where the objectivity takes over, you are simply LIVING. You're finally not the emotional one. And once you're aware of that, you get a little out of control. And you try SO HARD to not care about ANYTHING, even though caring and being honest about that is who you are. And once you do it for long enough, the whole "not caring" act starts to destroy you a little bit. Because that's just not who you are, Liz. It's just not.
Sometimes those periods of trying to be objective are good for you for that reason. Because when you're vulnerable, you can start to get down on yourself about that and equate that with being lesser. And once you try being objective about absolutely everything you realize that you can't do that, and you don't feel good about yourself, and you realize that you were fine just feeling, and you go back to just letting yourself do you, but this time you're more okay with it.
You once felt physically sick just thinking about the fact that people assumed that because you were going to continue performing you would be giving up writing. Your mom pointed out to you that that was because you are so emotion-driven. The idea that something you're feeling could just be thrown away as if it never mattered is absolutely foreign to you. You feel something, and it lasts for a long time. Maybe that's where the objectivity comes in. Even once you're done feeling the thing, you don't throw it out; you save it to be written about some other time.
Your vulnerability is good because it's honest. You are incapable of lying to people even in joking because what is simply is for you. Everything is as true as you can make it. Your vulnerability is good because it allows you to talk about emotional issues with people. You're not afraid of emotions, so you're willing to try someone else's on. This vulnerability even goes hand in hand with the objectivity, because you take their emotion and feel it as your own, and while you are never able to understand another person, you give it your best shot, and then you give that emotion back to them, and it helps them feel understood, because at least now you know. Your vulnerability is good because it allows forgiveness. You've only been capable of hating people you loved first, because you only hate when you feel betrayed. And once you do hate you know that that is hell for you, and you feel anger and you cry irrationally and then your emotional heart somehow finds a way to heal again and you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and you form love again, and that is something that can only happen through vulnerability; if you weren't vulnerable, those hard feelings would stay forever and there would be no recovering. There are things you used to get wildly angry about, which is also due to your vulnerability, but now instead of getting angry, you just get sad. You just cry. And I honestly think that's better, because your sorrow will not hurt somebody else.
Of course you still have your weak moments, where you're insecure about the way you feel and you wonder why you of all people had to be this way. That's part of your vulnerability. You were born to feel the pain that comes with it, just like you were born to feel the joy. You make your own life exciting because you just let yourself go where your heart takes you. This is something beautiful about you. You don't need to be ashamed of it. It's not incorrect. It's actually good.
I love you a lot.
--Lizzo
