Unexpected Thoughts of Hope

Hi guys!
The most recent major event was that I got to sing in NATS regionals in Salt Lake City at the University of Utah! (Wow that is a BEAUTIFUL campus.) I sang classical and Emily sang both classical and musical theatre and while neither of us moved on in the competition Emily did great and so did I! Other highlights include spending time with Josh's family and stopping by East High once again. Go Wildcats.
It was a long and tiring weekend, but we had a restful day on MLK Day and now are back in school ready to go. Today I gave a speech on Bonnie and Clyde, which as many of you know I am practically a professional at doing so I SLAYED it. I feel so privileged to be in school right now and for the three years following the mission.
I LOVE getting to hear from my friends in the field. Reading about their missionary adventures and how much they love the Lord and get strength from Him is my favorite. My ward's missionaries also came and visited me this week and it made me SO HAPPY especially considering I was feeling pretty down that day, and I am loving my mission prep class and we're only two weeks in.
Speaking of missionaries, I have the BIGGEST news, guys! I finally have an appointment with my bishop to start talking about my mission papers! I will be meeting with him at 5:30 on Sunday.  This is finally happening! It's quite honestly crazy to think that this is really happening now, but I am so ready to start this part of my life! Be praying for me!
Alright guys, we all know I overwrite so who knows if this is really going to happen. But I'm planning on this piece being short and sweet. I wasn't really planning on it, and I don't have much to say, but a post regarding my personal struggles/thoughts/life was requested, so I'm delivering!
I wasn't planning on writing what I'm about to say. This post was originally a quite dreary post about inaction.
It was something I had been contemplating lately, because of MLK Day, and all the lovely quotes I was seeing regarding the person who does nothing being even more bad than the person doing something bad, because the person doing nothing could be fighting bad with good if they only spoke up for what they really believe in. It's a beautifully true thing, but it really bothers me, because I can't place when it happened because I don't think it was always this way, but I am so terribly afraid of being seen. I'm afraid of being wrong, so I'm afraid of speaking up and risking that. I'm afraid of messing up and actually making something worse. And sometimes I don't even know what I think, so I choose silence because I don't want to say something I don't actually believe. But silence is so terrible, when it comes for fighting for what's right and true and good. I don't want to live my life not saying anything ever, but I want to be sure of what I'm doing when I do it, and the fact that I'm afraid of being seen doesn't help at all.
So due to all of those things, sometimes I feel like I'm sitting still and doing nothing. How tragic is that? That's what I was going to talk about. I was going to try to make it a little hopeful at the end, but how?
It was on Tuesday night that I had these new hopeful thoughts, when the missionaries came, and then when I went to mission prep. I guess it all comes down to confronting my other fear... which is really the fear of fear.
I'm terrified of fear; I don't like the feeling, and I'm afraid of it making me lose, it being able to get to me in some way. Being scared of fear can stop me from speaking up because I'm afraid of my fear of being seen. It can stop me from taking a risk and learning because I'm afraid of being wrong.  The fear of fear is the real thing holding me back. I remember one time I was talking to Morgan, I don't even remember when or what we were talking about, but I told her that I never wanted anyone to feel afraid. She responded that it's okay for people to feel afraid as long as they step up and do the thing anyway. That's always been hard for me to grasp because of how much I hate fear and am always trying to solve problems that I can't fix. But the fears are not the real problems. The fear of fear is the real problem.
Who knows what got me to start feeling hopeful and thinking differently starting Tuesday night, really. I think it was definitely comfort from the Spirit of God, and learning about how to do His work, but I also got thinking about the idea that I am literally getting ready to dedicate a year and a half of my life to tell people about what I believe and serving the children of God. And it's not that it doesn't scare me. It's that I have such a need and desire to do it that no fear is even possible of getting in the way. Turning back crosses my mind all the time, but never seriously. Not as something I would actually do, but more as a concept. Like, I get scared, imagine backing out, and know that it is in no way realistic. It really isn't even an option for me at this point anymore. It is so much a part of my plan.
So it was comforting to realize I am speaking, I am saying what I need to say and what I think know other people need to hear. I'm trying to dedicate my whole life to that, really. I just really want to write. The mission really scares me, publishing a book really scares me, but the love I have for doing those two things makes me practically incapable of listening to those fears. It's an encouraging thought.
Today, family, friends, followers, and fans, I hope you remember that there is hope for you, no matter what you are afraid of and what seems to be standing in your way. If it hasn't already, eventually something so great will come along that you will be incapable of not being great, of not living your best life, of not saying what you need to say and standing up for the good. And as those opportunities come, while you're scared, you will realize just how capable you are and just what you can do. And that will give you hope for the future as well. If you can do it once, you can do it again, and while it may scare you every time you will be better at facing the fear.
I don't think the upcoming mission will take away my fear of being heard or being seen. I don't think anything ever will. But I do think that it will help me once again get used to facing my fear of fear, and being able to do the things I'm scared of, and I think it will help me get better at doing what scares me even though being scared may never go away.
The future is so bright. Don't be afraid of letting yourself see that.
Or rather, don't hold yourself back from being hopeful just because you're afraid of doing it.
Thanks and much love.
--Lizzo