Hello, fandomeers! It's been awhile since I've written something, hasn't it? Well, today I am here to talk about mental disorders. Why? Because mine has kind of been getting to me. I did not know I had an anxiety disorder. Or maybe, like a lot of people, I didn't know anxiety was a mental disorder. Anxiety is kind of like depression in the way that it is viewed by people, and in the way that everyone is involved in such diseases. Because everyone has felt depressed in their life, but not everyone has depression. Same with anxiety; everyone has felt anxious, but not everyone has had anxiety. Maybe that's why I didn't know anything was wrong with me. But I started reading more about thw symptoms of this disorder, and I realized a lot of my behaviors matched with the symptoms of anxiety, especially social anxiety. I didn't realize it wasn't necessarily normal to plan out how I'm going to walk across the classroom five to twenty minutes before I get up. Or that it is semi-weird to make sure you do everything perfect all the time because someone might be watching you. People with anxiety worry over tiny mistakes for days that everyone else forgets about in seconds. They plan weeks ahead and double check constantly. They're hard on themselves. They apologize a lot. The way people see them is everything. They worry and worry and worry. Essentially, people with anxiety are constantly feeling afraid, even when they know they're not actually afraid. It is constant paranoia.
That is my disease, anxiety, especially social anxiety. Those of you suffering with a disease, mental or physical, know that the torture I just described or whatever torture is described in your disease's symptoms is not an everyday thing. I am still a completely happy individual! That's the scariest thing about my disorder. The anxiety usually comes in attacks. Sometimes they're small; I'll stare into space worrying and my friends will wonder what's wrong with me. Other times I'll hyperventilate a little bit; other times I will cry, and there are various levels anxiety that send me into various states. I recently had the worst attack I've ever had, way worse than any of the other ones I described; that was one of the scariest things I've ever been through. I think I am mostly just afraid of something like that happening again, but that's the thing about the attacks, which are usually not that bad. They are not constant. They could come at any time and in any level. I could be on the moon one second and panicking the next. That's the worst part about mental disorders. When I'm happy, I wonder why I ever thought my problem was a big deal. And when I'm not, I remember why I thought that. This has been a pretty hard thing for me to overcome for the past few months. So, my friends, these are some things I have found that make it easier for me to handle my problem. I hope it can help you handle yours. I am mostly going to speak about anxiety because that is the mental disorder I most understand. But whatever yours is, see if this helps for you too.
1. Distract yourself. When you're having a bad day with your disorder, you can feel trapped in it and lost, and sometimes it's all you can focus on. That is when you try to distract yourself. Whatever is your happy thing, somethig that will release worry from you and not let it in, that is what you should do. Something that really calms you down. It can also help to do something organizational, such as cleaning your room. I know this especially helpful for anxiety because people with anxiety like to feel in control. Not only that, but having an unchaotic space can help influence a chaotic mind. I have heard that breathing deeply and slowly helps; that's what I did to calm myself during my worst attack. Try closing your eyes while you do it to block out other surroundings. For anxiety, I had always heard that you look around you and find things: five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. The idea is to help you feel in control of what is happening around you during an attack. The idea of doing that always made me feel silly, but one time while I was testing the theory I realized how calm I felt in the middle of finding all these things. It can even help to just hold something like a stress ball. Also listening to music can really help. (BUT GUYS, make sure it is GOOD MUSIC. Like, POSITIVE MUSIC. Listening to negative music just makes me feel awful. It might make you feel good temporarily, but trust me, it will not be good for your mental health in the long run. Music does indeed have an effect on you, no matter what people say.)
2. Do not let it become you. This is hard. I know this is something I struggle with sometimes. And I know there are days that it consumes you and you feel trapped. That is okay, that happens. But this is not something that has to define you. And when things get really bad with the disorder, you feel like that's all you are anymore. It is not. This is not the only thing you are. What I've done is made a list of things that are beautiful about me, starting with "I am a daughter of God." Every day, add one more thing. A list of things that are awesome about you, and show you how much more you are than a disorder.
3. It's okay to just be happy. Once upon a time I was messaging my friend. It had been a rough couple of days. And I felt so simply happy. And I realized it, and I wondered why. And I actually thought about it for awhile, like, a really focused, almost agitated focused. Why was I so bothered about being happy? I thought about it, and I realized, Lizzo, you've being struggling so much to be happy the past few days. It is okay for you to just be happy. So pretty much, don't overthink it. It's okay, I know it's hard, but just try your best to stay chill.
4. Be patient. With yourself, obviously enough. It may take awhile to learn how to be in control. But I really mean other people. I sometimes get frustrated about all the people that don't care about me
and what is happening in my head. But then I realized it's not that they don't care about me. They do the best they can, and they are learning how to help me just like I'm learning how to help myself. Some people understand better than others, but it's not really their fault, they can't understand it perfectly. So try to understand other people, just like they try to understand you.
One last thing to remember: As I told you earlier, I recently had the worst attack I've had, ever. It was terrifying. It has been a hard few weeks, months, not sure. Since the attack about a week ago, I have felt broken. People keep saying it's okay, they love me anyway. Sometimes I believe it. But sometimes I wonder if people think I'm weak, think I just need to gain control of myself, think I am not trying hard enough to be happy. My greatest feat is people getting annoyed with me and tired of me and leaving me. Since the attack, I have felt so terribly broken.
But I am feeling better, I am learning how to stay in control of my life. And want to know a comforting thought? If you feel broken, remember that you are not the only one with your disorder. It's so easy to feel alone, because each is personal, and you might not even know of anyone who faces the same general disorder. But there are people who have your disorder too. That's why it's a disorder; someone defined it because a lot of people were facing the same mental problem. And besides that. Do not feel broken. Just because there is something mentally not normal about you. Being broken is not bad. It feels ugly. It feels worthless. It feels hopelessly broken. But this is no longer about just mental disorders; do not feel broken, because everyone has a problem, and everyone feels broken sometimes, because their problem makes them feel worthless. It is okay. So to you, you are okay by me. People do still love you. And I love you so very much.
Thank you for letting me write this. You know what I realized? I was trying so hard to be okay for everyone. My fantastic mom helped me realize how unhealthy that was for me. I felt so pressured to not let anyone know, that it was making my anxiety way worse. So forgive me for needing to be honest about it, but honesty as a general rule is good, and if it's helping me be healthy that's even better. And hopefully, this helped you, with whatever's happening. Love ya, mean it!
--Lizzo
